Mandatory Merry
Joy turns into a checklist
For when connection begins to feel like obligation.
The Moment It Hits
It’s that time of year again. Cold outside, shiny decorations everywhere, and that way-too-cheerful All I Want For Christmas Is You on repeat on the radio. At least you have your own playlist. Like every year, you’re invited to some gatherings. Some friends seem to think it’s all wonderful, but your shoulders tense up a little more each day, and the knot in your stomach tightens. You wish you could enjoy it more, but this last month of the year starts to feel like a mandatory routine, not a cozy season.
What happens next
You get swept up in the usual yearly rush, but if it were up to you, you’d rather stop. Instead, out of a sense of duty, you say yes to everything and then stay too long. You smile so no one notices how awful it actually feels. You drag yourself through the days, looking forward to the moment you can do your own thing again.
Why This Happens
It’s not strange to feel this way. Holiday obligations can start to feel like a kind of choreography, what to wear, what to bring, how early to arrive and how late to stay. You do what’s expected, hoping it won’t be too bad. You smile through a dinner you’re not actually enjoying. Psychologist Susan David calls this emotional overmanagement. Neuroscientist Stephen Porges explains that your body perceives forced comfort as a signal something’s off, not safety. When you pretend you’re comfortable, your heart rate rises even while you’re sitting still.
Shift /
FROM meeting all expectations → TO making honest choices. It’s okay if that means saying no more often or leaving earlier than expected. Other people’s expectations don’t have to dictate what you do.
Your Thoughts
Take a moment to think about these:
• Think of the last gathering where you smiled more than you felt. What kept you there?
• Think of the moment before a visit when you felt tense. What set that feeling off?
• What tradition do you repeat every year but still find draining?
Your Next Moves
You can try these small changes before or while the pressure mounts, small shifts that help you stay steady when things get busy.
Before it all starts: Make choices in advance
Before you head into the season, think about what you normally dislike: the hustle, the long evenings. Make some choices ahead of time: go by yourself so you can leave easily. Stay an hour shorter than you did last year. Small choices like these can make things less stressful.
When the evening is in full swing: Make it a little easier on yourself
Make things easier on yourself in the middle of a party or dinner. Avoid the topic that turned into an argument last year, or stay close to the person you like most. And remember, you don’t have to fill every silence.
When you can’t handle it anymore: Take a short break
Step outside for five minutes to get some fresh air. Help in the kitchen a bit, to have a moment away from the group. Let a friend know you’re doing this, and send each other a check-in. It’s easier to respect your boundaries when someone else knows
Before it builds up: Plan one buffer day
Give yourself a day with nothing planned before, between, or after your main gatherings. A day with no obligations, just the things you enjoy, like having coffee with a good friend, going to the gym, or relaxing on the couch with a book
Why This Works
These choices and actions can help lower some of the holiday stress. Psychologist Peter Gollwitzer shows that making plans beforehand (“If this happens, then I will…”) works better than relying on willpower in a stressful moment. Psychologist Steven Hayes discovered that stress decreases faster when you act based on what matters to you rather than trying to control how you feel. And neuroscientist Stephen Porges reminds us that predictability tells your system it’s okay to relax. Every time you’re honest instead of pretending, your system settles a little faster. That’s how stability builds, not by avoiding people, but by making honest choices.
Take This With You
The holidays might not be perfect, but they can be less stressful. Don’t say yes to everything, don’t stay longer than your energy allows, and plan a buffer day somewhere in between. If joy starts feeling like a checklist, remove yourself from it, even if it’s just a little.
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