The Spontaneity Muscle

The Moment It Hits

Someone says, “Are you coming?” You look up and for a moment you feel the yes coming, but then you hear your voice say, “Maybe later.” But later looks the same as always, nothing new is waiting for you. You finish your meal, watch the same show, and open the same apps as always. It just feels easier to stay home. Safe. Familiar enough. Then one evening it hits you how much of the same it all is. And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just exactly what it is, a lot of the same.

What happens next

From there, your weeks start blending into each other without you even noticing. You take the same route, eat the same food, listen to the same playlist. You keep everything neat and controlled, but the peace feels different, not actual calm anymore, more like a flat kind of quiet that drifts into boredom. You wonder when calm turned into a kind of pause.

Why This Happens

Your brain is programmed to choose the path of least resistance. Behavior researcher Wendy Wood calls it habit memory, and it’s more powerful than most decisions you make. At first, it feels smart and predictable. But your brain rewards the relief you feel every time you skip the new thing. Behavioral economists William Samuelson and Richard Zeckhauser found that we cling to the familiar because effort feels like a risk. You’re not avoiding change out of fear, comfort just feels safer than choosing something different or new.

Shift /

FROM staying in control TO letting things happen once in a while. You don’t have to throw your life into chaos, but letting a few unplanned moments in will do you good.

Your Thoughts?

Take a moment to think about these:

• Think of the last time someone said, “Come with us,” and you started thinking how to make “maybe later” sound convincing. What were you thinking at that moment?

• Think back to the last few times you stayed home. What excuses did you tell yourself that felt believable at the time?

• What plan or thing did you skip and later think it would’ve been nice if you’d been there?

Your Next Moves

Spontaneity doesn’t grow in chaos. It grows slowly, one small step at a time. These actions aren’t meant for planning ahead, they’re things you can try when the moment shows up.

1. Pause Before Saying No

When you’re about to answer with “maybe next time,” pause. Take a breath and ask yourself if it’s really impossible or just unexpected. In that brief pause, remember that your brain tends to see the familiar as safe and the new stuff as a big deal. Once you notice that, it gets easier to choose differently in the moment.

2. Change One Habit

When you catch yourself walking the same route, eating the same food, or playing the same playlist, change something small. Take the long route, sit somewhere different, chat briefly with someone else. See what changes when your day takes even a tiny turn. One small adjustment is enough to remind your brain that it can handle small changes easily.

3. Say Yes More Often

When someone asks if you want to join and you feel the automatic “maybe later” rising, say yes before your brain starts coming up with reasons. Even if you only go for ten minutes, you’re breaking the habit. Every small yes reminds you that new things aren’t actually a big deal.

4. Invite Randomness

When someone asks, “What should we do?” or “Where should we go?”, leave the choice to them. Let them decide the place, the movie, the meal, even if it’s not what you’d usually choose. See where it takes you and how light it feels not to steer everything yourself.

Why This Works

These small shifts retrain your brain and build a changed routine. Author James Clear notes that who you become is shaped by what you keep doing, not what you plan. Psychologist Carol Dweck found that trying before you’re certain makes your mind a bit more open again. And psychologist Adam Grant reminds us that rethinking keeps things interesting. Every small change tells your brain that the world is still safe to explore. You feel steadier again not by staying still, but by moving a little more.

Take This With You

Say yes once this week to something you weren’t planning to do. Your spontaneity muscle grows when you use it, not by overthinking it. And that’s how control loses its grip, one small yes at a time.